fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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