Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
being pregnant is like rehab
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
