I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
