I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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