At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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