Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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