i think i have herpe
just one?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
