I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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