How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
