I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
