he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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