I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
