I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Randomize
