so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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