overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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