I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
