Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
