i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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