dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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