Small penises have feelings too.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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