It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
