You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
