The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
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I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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