Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
