The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
