theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
