I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
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Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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