I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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