Swine flu is the new snow day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
