I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize