im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
