I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
