On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
