Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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