she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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