This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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