I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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