So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
