God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
