Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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