dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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