how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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