those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
