hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
