Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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