Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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