i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
