my phone needs a breathalizer
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
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just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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