I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
