You just made me feel so damn special
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
high people should be assigned attendants
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
