I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
