watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
