She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
