peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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